


thumb on a bruise

by m0ette



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Allusions to Polyamory, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Outsider's Perspective, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 14:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11106522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m0ette/pseuds/m0ette
Summary: Jaehyun watches them and sees love. He wants to protect it, and, even if for a little bit, he wants to be a part of it.





	thumb on a bruise

As the plane takes off, the static noise of the engine fills Jaehyun’s head with promise of an impending headache. It merges with the roar of the crowd still ringing in his ears; so loud that he can’t even hear his own thoughts, drowning out everything else. 

He takes a bottle of water from the tray when the flight attendant comes the first time, and changes it to a pack of apple juice when she turns back. It does little to alleviate the pain, but at least keeps the pounding in his ears in check, allowing Jaehyun to breathe out at last.

They are still eight hours away from Seoul when Johnny takes his headphones off and turns to him, Taron Egerton’s voice barely audible, singing a rendition of Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” which Jaehyun has learnt by heart already with how often Johnny puts “Sing” on repeat before going to sleep. Sleep, as it seems, escaped Johnny for now, all those hours in flight somehow leaving him more rested than he was ever used to, so he takes to bothering Jaehyun instead. 

“Say, Jeffrey,” he rolls the “r” on purpose, the accent teasingly thick. “How was your first concert in the States? Feel free yet?”

If anyone had asked him how are the crowds over the ocean and back at home different, Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to tell right away; “free” is definitely a thing he felt, before being replaced by an inexplicable sense of dread and responsibility, probably too heavy for his tired shoulders. 

There was a sea of people right at his feet; they were chanting his name while he struggled to remember his lines. Free? More like claustrophobic. 

“It’s still too much,” he admits a lesser truth instead, unwilling to think of it any further. “They are all the way on the other side of the planet, and, neo culture or not, we barely ever acknowledge them. My English is still lacking, and I used to live here, too! It makes me think if I am really deserving of all this love.”

The thought comes to him at times, and it’s not that he believes in it, it’s that the darkness of the night gives him no other choice but to believe it.

“Well that’s a stupid thought,” Johnny’s response is immediate, and the tone of his voice puts Jaehyun at ease. “I mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t fall in love with you?” 

And that’s a really nice thought, so Jaehyun allows himself to trust Johnny’s judgement once more.

“Thank you,” he says, but Johnny’s headphones are already back on, his attention focused on Meena’s life changing performance he’s seen one too many times.

 

Muffled sound of the alarm pierces Jaehyun’s head with a searing pain, even though Johnny is quick to turn it off. It takes him a few long moments to shake the sleep off, and some more to focus in the disorienting darkness of their room before the alarm goes off again.

“Turn it off,” a voice comes, mumbled and hoarse; the ringing in his ears is so loud, Jaehyun doesn’t immediately recognize it. When he does, however, the sleep leaves him all at once.

There’s a creak of the mattress and a groan, so unmistakably Johnny trying to shut the beeping alarm off, and then it’s silent again. The sudden change is overwhelming, and for a moment Jaehyun could swear he could hear the sound of his own blood streaming through his veins. He doesn’t dare move and just lies there, the room all at once too hot and stuffy for him to breathe properly.

In all the traveling frenzy the thought of Ten’s return somehow escaped him: even though Johnny has been restless with anticipation from the second first photographs of him leaving the Bangkok airport appeared in the mentions of their twitter, even though Ten sent him a smiley selfie from Incheon this very morning and Jaehyun replied with a “see you soon”. 

It’s never the same without him around, and he can feel it in every single little thing, from making breakfast to watching infomercials late at night when everyone else is already fast asleep. Everything here is empty, dull, and misses Ten, this April seemingly never-ending. Now, something about the thought of Ten in his and Johnny’s shared room makes Jaehyun anxious, if not outright flustered, for some odd reason. He doesn’t need to see them to know, but he looks anyway.

Ten is just a hand out of Jaehyun’s reach: there’s too little space in between their beds, so he could touch Ten’s exposed shoulder if he’d only wanted to, but where Jaehyun keeps his hands to himself, Johnny runs his fingers gently through Ten’s long hair before settling the palm on his neck, thumb tracing the pierced shell of his ear lightly. There’s a faint laugh and a hushed “Stop it, it tickles!”, when Jaehyun realizes Ten’s not asleep anymore, either. 

He feels like a voyeur, kind of, watching them, those simple gestures in a way that much more intimate than any kiss. There’s something about the way they regard one another that fascinates Jaehyun. He recognizes their love in the smallest things, like the way Johnny’s first instinct still is to make sure Ten understands everything, even now that Ten has lived in Korea for over three years already and can handle himself quite well; or like Ten always comes all the way to their dorms after a day long practice just to be with Johnny, even if it meant only a couple of hours spent sleeping beside him and nothing more before Johnny has to wake up for their own schedules - it’s hectic, it’s tough, but they make it work. 

They've been together for so long, and the novelty of their relationship has worn off long ago: they don't kiss or hold hands all over the dorm, but Jaehyun has caught them in an even more compromising position - sharing the tiny bathroom sink peacefully, without a single bumped elbow or cross word, even when the line of sleepy boys outside demanded them to hurry up. 

Jaehyun watches them and sees love; he wants to protect it, and, even if for a little bit, he wants to be a part of it. 

He used to think that there’s nothing wrong with admiration, and finding Johnny attractive did not mean Jaehyun was in love with him. The quiet affection he had for Johnny was never supposed to turn into something dangerous, because Jaehyun was never a selfish kind of person, and he never asked of Johnny anything other than his friendship. It’s enough, he’s been convincing himself for a while, until it wasn’t anymore.

He catches bits and pieces of their hushed conversation, understanding half of the English they always speak when there’s only two of them; Ten’s voice still scratchy from sleep, his laughter too loud in the quiet morning. The sound of it is overpowering; it reminds Jaehyun of blinding winter sun, of temples back in Chiang Mai, covered in gold, and of Ten’s arms spread wide open, warm and welcoming. 

If only Ten knew. 

Jaehyun prays to God he won’t ever know.

He almost misses the third alarm when it comes; Johnny squints at the bright screen as he’s turning it off, cursing Ten under his breath for making him distracted and forgetful. He still looks unusually sleepy, reclining on the wall and blinking slowly; he plays with Ten’s hand absentmindedly, holding it whole in his grasp with ease.

“Don’t go,” Ten whines, and, though he can’t see his face, Jaehyun can picture his pouting lips in great detail. He takes Johnny by the collar, not allowing him to move any further. 

“I have to,” Johnny reasons, but gives in nonetheless: he clasps his palm around Ten’s hand, holding it in place, and allows Ten to pull him down in for a kiss. 

Jaehyun looks away. 

 

He slips into a restless dream, and when he opens his eyes again, the first rays of the rising sun are already creeping in through the mesh curtains; pale pinks and purples are soothing, so unlike the rich and saturated colors of the sunset they left behind in Los Angeles. There’s not much left of the eight full hours of sleep they never get, so Jaehyun gives up on the idea. The headache seems to have subsided, and after a yawn or two he feels almost awake and in control. 

Jaehyun turns over, and now that the sun is up, he can finally see Ten. Where the edited photo he sent Jaehyun yesterday made him look refined and delicate, now his thin features made him look sickly, the harsh month he’s had placing a frown into the lines where once lied his smile. Jaehyun briefly wonders how long will it take for Taeyong and Johnny to nurture him back into his round cheeks, before Ten, as if having felt his stare, opens up his eyes to look right back at him.

“Ah, Jaehyunie,” he whispers, and his eyes close again with a smile. Jaehyun feels his lungs constrict with an emotion he can’t name just yet. Ten reaches for him, but barely grazes the hem of his pajamas. “Jaehyun-ah, come, lie with me.” 

There’s something in his voice that renders Jaehyun completely unable to disobey, so he does just that. Two steps on the cold floor, and when he hides under the warm blanket, Ten is quick to wrap his arms around him. Ten’s skin is like coals without the pain, and it heats Jaehyun right through.

Ten’s breath is hot on Jaehyun’s neck, and the leftover scent of the candles mixed with a distinctive Johnny smell from his pillow Jaehyun has been lying on is suddenly too much for him to handle: it overpowers him, sends the goosebumps rushing down his spine, down, down all the way. Ten’s hand is scalding under his shirt, the touch firm and purposeful, and Jaehyun lays his palm over his, unsure if he wants to remove it or make the hold hurt.

“I’ve been missing you, hyung,” Jaehyun confesses, Ten’s heat having a strange calming effect on him, the closeness stripping him off of his inhibitions. 

He reaches for Ten’s cheek, unreserved, much like Johnny earlier and feels him go very, very still. He's prepared, Jaehyun realises, for Ten to tense at his touch; it's only when Ten doesn't, when he leans into it instead, that Jaehyun releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Of course you have.” There's a gentle, but firm certainty in Ten’s voice that makes Jaehyun smile to himself.

Of course he has: Ten, after all, has been his friend from the very beginning. Being friends with him was the easiest thing in the world, and it had always been so easy for the two of them, but the rare conversations and truths unspoken have taken a toll on their relationship, making Jaehyun miss the days they spent in the dark practice room chasing their dreams, so set on the idea of someday performing in front of a crowd that would be equally in love with them in return. 

Did the focus shift? And if so, when? Jaehyun hates the thought.

But when he looks at Ten again, he’s smiling a tiny, contented smile, the kind of smile people don’t realize they’re making. Jaehyun thinks of it like it was the Sun - always shining, giving its warmth to everyone it can reach; now that Jaehyun is the closest, it melts him down. Ten’s smile, once comforting, now feels like a burn.

Jaehyun doesn’t say that he loves him, so Ten doesn’t hear it.

 

Johnny comes in without knocking, drying his hair with a towel; somewhere between leaving the room and the moment the others began lining up for the bathroom, he managed to take a shower and now looked pretty awake for how tired he was just half an hour ago. There’s an amused sort of smile on his face when he looks over them. “What is this? Should I be jealous?”

Jaehyun tenses, distinctly feeling his heart skip a beat in his chest. His mind turns to static: there's nothing he can really say to that, not that the question required an answer per se. Johnny, however, doesn't give him any more time to think of a comeback: he hangs the towel on the bed frame, and nudges Jaehyun off to the center of the bed, making some space for himself to lie on.

“Don’t worry, Johnny, I’ll return him to you in one piece, I promise,” Ten holds his pinky up and brushes Johnny’s nose with it. Johnny almost catches his hand, but Ten is quick to hide it back under the blanket. 

“You'd better.”

As Johnny’s grip tightens on his waist, Jaehyun can't help but lean back into his embrace. His wet hair tickles Jaehyun’s neck, the stark contrast making Jaehyun shiver. None of it feels real, his mind drawing a blank every time he tries to think of a rational explanation for Johnny's palm on his side, warm and confident and so sure, or for the way it makes Jaehyun feel like it truly belongs there - and that is too dangerous of a thought.

Ten’s hand flutters up to hold his wrist where the fabric of Jaehyun’s sleeve rises, rubbing soothing circles right into the erratic beat of his pulse. If it wasn't already, it’s should be painfully obvious for him now: Ten meets him with an all-too-knowing smile when Jaehyun finally dares to open his eyes, but doesn't say anything, just letting go of his hand instead.

When Johnny calls his name, Jaehyun doesn't hear it; rather, he feels the hum of his voice resonate where his back is flush against Johnny’s chest. It takes everything he has to focus and listen.

“We have to go now.”

The meaning doesn’t immediately register with him, not until Johnny gets up and takes the blanket off of them. For how much of a pushover he sometimes was, he knew how to put his foot down when it mattered.

“Up, you! I’ve already let you sleep in for too long,” Johnny watches Jaehyun as he struggles to get up from the low bed, but when Ten follows, he frowns down on him. “And you stay where you are,” he commands, but it doesn’t really stop Ten, as nothing ever did.

“I had the surgery, like, almost a forever ago. I can handle myself,” Ten bites back, but allows Johnny to take his hand and help him anyway.

With all three of them standing up, the room seems to be at least twice as smaller, Ten’s presence filling up the space with warmth. Johnny is already halfway out the door when Jaehyun finds Ten’s hand and squeezes it gently, drawing his attention. The touch gives him something to focus on, but when Ten looks at him, questioning, Jaehyun can’t find the right words.

Ten, however, understands him. He always did.

“It’s alright,” and if it was anyone else, that wouldn’t work, but it’s Ten, and maybe now that he’s back for good they can make it work.

 

Everyone is mostly done with their breakfast when they enter the kitchen. Yuta, most awake and alert out of all of them, is quick to swipe Ten into a bone-crushing embrace, their laugh resonating off the walls. Jaehyun takes his empty seat, because you just don’t leave it unattended when there are so many people in the family. 

Johnny puts a cup of coffee in front of him, the smell of it strong and sweet, just the way Jaehyun likes it; with the first taste of it comes the sense of normalcy that doesn’t leave him out.

**Author's Note:**

> i had a dream about jaehyun pining for johnny in early february of this year, and i was gonna turn it into a 300 words drabble and be done with it, but now, almost four months later, the only thing i want is for it to just stop haunting me  
> ps im sorry jaehyun!! i love you!! you can always ditch them both and come to me  
> pps please someone make johnten great again im suffering


End file.
